New Fitness Tech company, SiBio, wants to sell you a seat on the idiot train to Assclownsville. Their new KS1 gizmo is set to be 2024’s answer to posing in the doggie position in the middle of the gym floor in see-through wedgie-tights, “activating” your glutes.
The KS1 is a stabby-needle gizmo that you stick in your tricep, to wirelessly connect your body to an App! I know you just want them to take your money now; but there’s even more to the story.
When the gizmo stabbing your arm is not giving you infections, it’s legit science-ing like Dr Gates. Using a complex new Artificial Intelligence – that proprietarily bypasses all intelligence – the App takes the sciences from the gizmo to tell you the levels of ketones in your blood. Yeah, it’s fully science. You can use the App to impress your friends. Or you can really get your nerd on and use the Ketone measurements to make REALLY stupid decisions about your diet. That’s what SiBio wants you to do.
SiBio knows that diabetics have a legitimate use for knowing their ketone levels; ‘cos ketoacidosis and death and stuff. That is why they absolutely do not market it to diabetics. SiBio markets the KS1 to people on ketogenic diets for fat loss, who do not have diabetes; or brains.
I know what you are thinking. You think people on ketogenic diets do not need to know their ketone levels. They only need to know their bodyfat levels; and whether they feel fantastic or terrible. But you are wrong. You see, the KS1 cannot measure your bodyfat or energy. And if it did, you might actually discover whether it is accurate or not. That’s why SiBio wants you to focus obsessively on your apparent ketone levels, irrespective of whether your diet is working to achieve your bodyfat goals or not.
So, if you are on a zero carb diet, losing fat rapidly, have heaps of energy, are maintaining or building muscle, BUT the KS1 app says you are not burning ketones, then you get off that diet before you realise that it’s doing everything you want it to. You need to stop losing fat and feeling great and get those ketones burning in the app instead. Stop measuring your bodyfat percentage. Its the ketones that matter, dammit.
if you are on a zero carb diet, losing fat rapidly, have heaps of energy, are maintaining or building muscle, BUT the KS1 app says you are not burning ketones, then you get off that diet before you realise that it’s doing everything you want it to.
Similarly, if you are on a no-carb diet, failing to get leaner, feeling like garbage, and going backward in your training, BUT the KS1 says you are burning ketones all the time, then party on! Keep doing what you are doing. You might never achieve your fat loss goals. But you can smile at the KS1 congratulations messages on your phone, while you drool in your semi-conscious hypoglycemic funk.
So, if you are the sort of person who knows that you are superior to successful people because you trust “the science”, then SiBio has the a new idiot-badge for you. Even better than an emoji flag in your social media bio, you literally wear the SiBio KS1 on your sleeve to show everyone that you support the latest ‘thing’.
